Well, what the fuck was that? Here I was, just sitting down, minding my own business, when, to quote the episode, “he chopped a guy’s head off, with a sword.”
And why yes, yes he did. “He”, of course, being the infamous Governor, and the “guy” being Mr Hershel Greene, thus ending the longest love affair I’ve ever had with a septuagenarian veterinarian. I haven’t felt this way since the ending of the first season of The Walking Dead game (which if you haven’t played, I recommend you do); say what you like about this fictional world, but they know how to make you feel. But I can’t say I was wholly surprised by the passing of Mr Greene, because the writers of the show pulled the lousiest trick in the book a few episodes back. Remember, back in episode five of this season, “Internment” I think it was, where things were pretty much focused entirely on Hershel making all of the flu sufferers feel better with his magic beard, risking his life to just be a lovely guy, and introducing us to Spaghetti Tuesdays? Of course you do, because that’s exactly how they do it. They give you an hour of “Hey, ain’t that Hershel guy just swell? Isn’t he lovely just making sure everyone else is okay? I hope he doesn’t die any time soon.” Then bam. Samurai sword to the neck.
Which reminds me, what the hell is a mid-season finale anyway? Since when has that become a thing? Yes, I know it’s been a thing for some time, but still, it’s fucking ridiculous. Finales come at the end of a season, it’s got the world “final” in it and everything, why do I have to wait until February for more of this? It maddens me enough when they have to take a break so they can film more shit. But if they’ve already filmed the shit, why can’t I see it? What’s Christmas without zombies and post-apocalyptic Georgia accents ringing in my ears? It’s just not right.
Sorry, back to the episode. Another thing that was a real piss take moment was when he started crawling away. Were the writers of this show just not raised right? Have they no sense of right and wrong? You don’t kick a man when he’s down. And you most certainly do not give a man hope for the survival of one of his favourite characters before his prompt beheading.
But enough about Hershel for now, more of the rest of the episode…
As I’m sure you know, pretty much the entirety of this instalment is based on the siege of the prison, (and if you don’t know this, I assume you haven’t watched the episode, at which point, I apologise for the whole “Hershel’s dead thing”, probably should have put a spoiler warning up there, but I’m too far gone now (If anybody gets that joke then full marks and a cookie for you)). Well, there’s like 15 minutes before the siege, but I’m not going to mention that because it’s basically inferior. At the beginning of the attack, the Governor clearly states, “I got more people, more firepower”, as exemplified by the not-too-subtle tank he’s standing on. So I think we can all safely presume that he has the upper hand in this encounter, and his bravado and charisma carries this beautifully to the opposition. When the attack commences, there seems to be people getting shot all over the place, the tanks doing the shit that tanks do, and bullets are flying, people are dying, you know, war and shit. However, when you just take a step back at the end of the episode and think “How many people were on each side? And how many people died?” Well, as I said, the Governor says he has more people and more guns (and a tank), yet every single person (bar maybe one who runs away) gets killed. And how about the other side? Well, to my count, two people. And one of them was an old man tied up at the start of the conflict.
Now, if you ask me, that seems a little bit off, don’t you think? I mean, a fucking tank. They say they don’t want to blow holes in their new home, but that’s exclusively what they did. I remember very few people dying from the tank blowing them up, but I remember many random holes being blasted into the side of buildings. Who decided to let Jimmy the fucktard drive the tank? Seriously, at least have a someone who can point the big boom stick and blow the right shit up.
And of course, Daryl was just Daryl, and destroys the tank by throwing a grenade down the barrel. Of course.
But what about the show? It’s not just the death of characters that affect the group, it’s the destruction of their former home, by previously mentioned Jimmy the fucktard in the tank. Where will they go? What will happen? Fuck knows, but it should be fun (fun in this context means heart-breaking and full of death, so you know.). It always seems to be scenario for this show, they find a place, it’s peachy for a season, then it gets the shit kicked out of it. I think they’re suffering from Three Little Pig syndrome. Yes, that is something I’ve just made up, but hear me out, they find a place, and the big bad walker comes and blows it over. But obviously the big bad wolf couldn’t blow over the brick house in the original story, so Robert Kirkman added a tank. So yeah, basically The Walking Dead is a post-apocalyptic Three Little Pigs. You heard it here first folks.
I do think the whole idea of it is good… in principle. It’s been done before, and it worked, it mixes up the show. Eventually you get tired of “Everything’s safe… Oh no, zombies in the cell blocks… Rinse and repeat”. So hopefully having them all on the road will add some more twists and turns, and hopefully more deaths, because they’re such a bittersweet experience with this show, I still don’t know how it feels.
The final character to die was that wanker that killed Hershel (I’m not bias, I promise). The Governor met his end at the hands of long-term adversary Michonne. Well, kind of. She stabbed him with her sword, but then as he was dying, he got shot in the head by Lilly, the chick he’d been boning for the past few episodes. I think there should be a dubious deaths panel for this, because as much as the gunshot killed him, he wasn’t looking too flash after the whole stab wound ordeal. Surely, if in football, you have a shot on target, but it’s deflected past the keeper by a defender, as long as your original shot was on target, you get given the goal? So yeah, I’m going to give the kill to Michonne, fuck you all. Feel free to let me know what you think though, tweet me (@WhatATwanker) if you like.
But in conclusion really, fuck the Governor, he was a fabulous character, especially in the last series. Expertly fucked in the head, and just as brutal, however, he killed Hershel, so he can shit in his hands and clap for all I care about his demise.
As for Hershel, he was beautiful, inside and out, and I think this just summarises my love for him:
"You step outside, you risk your life. You take a drink of water, you risk your life. And nowadays you breathe and you risk your life. Every moment now… you don’t have a choice. The only thing you can choose is what your risking it for. Now I can make these people feel better and hang on a little longer. I can save lives. That’s reason enough to risk mine."
He was just fab, and if I ever manage to make it to his age, and I’m half the man he was, I’ll consider myself a success.And yes, I know he’s a fictional character, and no, I’m not gay, they’re called feelings, you Neanderthal fuck.
If you share my feelings for this giant of a character, and you feel the need to reminisce about his soothing tones, or his stumpy leg, I recommend you do it to the song that was playing during some of his finest work, during “Internment” - Ben Howard’s “Oats In The Water” - and try to hold back the tears.